


Trying to Live Past Age 30 - Richie Tozier

by demonpancake



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, Comedian Richie Tozier, Fluff, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, also a cody ko reference, not my fault stephen king was too coked out to write a decent ending, richie tozier standup, sponsored by nicotine addiction tm, this time its a comedy centeral special, try and find it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-27 05:15:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21113282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonpancake/pseuds/demonpancake
Summary: Richie's shares his mainly unsuccessful attempts to be healthy with Comedy Central





	Trying to Live Past Age 30 - Richie Tozier

"My boyfriend Eddie always tells me he's shocked I'm still alive." Comedy Central had gotten a great venue for the night, a small crowd but a good one. It'll be up on their YouTube tomorrow.  
"I eat like shit, I never exercise, I'm usually drunk or high even I know I'm on borrowed time at this point.

"My boyfriend is a doctor," there's some applause in the room for that one.  
"Ya he's right there, and you should cheer! For him for being smart and saving lives and shit but also for me! That term 'fucking up' about sleeping with someone richer and more successful then you, ya they coined that for me. I tell dick jokes and I'm fucking an MD. That’s amazing." Eddie is blushing so much as Bill punches his arm. He's gonna be pissed at me for that one but totally worth it.

"He always comes to my shows and I have threatened so many times to propose to him in an act but he has made it very clear he will say no and I don’t want that one the internet forever.  
That is completely true! A few weeks ago we were having breakfast and talking about potential bits and I said I should do one about how I never know what to call him. I go with my boyfriend but it sounds like I'm a 14-year-old girl gushing over Brad from her English class. Baby daddy has a lot of obvious issues. Partner sounds like I'm a cowboy and I do not have the glute muscles for assless chaps. But ya know what would be a much better name?" I pause for an eyebrow wiggling move and a smirk that has the audience doubled over with laughter  
"and I shit you not he leans over, kisses me and says 'out of your league'. That is the beautiful smartass I started dating and that is why I fucking love him. But mark my words, however, I do propose to him, it will become a joke at some point so you just better wait for that one. Like can you believe I got a man this hot and successful? Look at me! I would be a fucking moron if I didn’t put a ring on it!" I point to Eds getting the camera to pull in on his face.  
"He is so cute when he blushes. He's like a small freckle tomato."

"Recently I have been trying to quit smoking. I probably should stop drinking so much too but one battle at a time. Then when I'm truly healthy I'll lay off the weed too but the same point lets burn that bridge when we get to it. And don’t get the wrong idea I don’t give a fuck about my health or well being, I have been smoking since middle school when my best friend Bev and I would steal cigarettes. We had an airtight system, she would flirt with the cashier, I would stuff as many marlboros in my pockets as could fit then we'd run. I should probably apologize to that guy some time and like send him a check for the hundreds of dollars we stole from him, but he called me a fag like twice a week and flirted with a fucking 13-year-old so I think we're even." The crowd loses it and I here Bev snort from laughing. "And yes I am referring to Beverly Marsh the designer you saw the international student wearing at your school. She wasn’t always rich and famous she used to steal cigarettes like the rest of us lowlife losers."

"But we live in a no-smoking condo and the back deck with the designated smoking section looks like you could get chlamydia by just breathing the air in a 5-foot radius. There are like homeless people hanging around and creepy graffiti everywhere. On the plus side if I ever want 'sloppy head from a power bottom' I know to hit up Mike and call the number written in sharpie by the dumpster.  
I'm joking I'm joking, I always have a power bottom waiting for me when I go back upstairs."  
I wink at Eddie who is mid eye roll at that one.  
"Also Eddie has never liked me smoking and always wants me to quit. And I know what your thinking, oh its because he's a doctor and he knows its dangerous. Well, you would be wrong because the reason he wants me to quit is that he hates the smell. That’s right, no regard for my safety he hates the smoke. So I was at 7/11 because that what my life is right now and we live downtown so this is also the 7/11 college kids hang out at. So I'm crossing the street and something smells amazing. I see a group of people on their smoke break, I walk over and basically, I say, 'Hey what are you smoking? I smell cigarettes but also mangos and I'm intrigued.' This girl with blue lipstick and a septum piecing who is way cooler then I can ever dream to be passed me a fucking USB drive.  
I look at her like, what the fuck is this and she told me it’s a Juul. 'They're like cigarettes but they're stronger and don’t smell like ass.' and the light went off in my brain. Fucking perfect. I run into the store, grab one and a pack of pods, plus a slushy because if you're gonna destroy your body, might as well go all the way." I have the pause because that line gets a pretty good laugh. I smile and forge onward.

"I get home and yell 'Hey Eddie Spaghetti! I figured out how to fix our problem!" He comes in and sees me take a hit off of this fucking Juul.  
And he just rolls his eye and said, 'Congratulations you are now the least cool person to ever own a Juul.' I pull him over for a hug and he said 'Also you know those things are just as bad for you as cigarettes.' and of course I go  
'Ahhhh you're so sappy Eds, don’t worry if I die they won't think you did it, no one is gonna have trouble believing I died of natural causes at the ripe old age of 27."

"My friends love to make fun of me because let's face it, it's pretty easy. But buying this thing," I get my Juul out of my pocket and show it to the audience for dramatic effect, "has opened the floodgates of any joke imaginable. When I first showed Bev she just looked at me and said, 'you look like a wanted to be a frat boy but you couldn’t get into college.'  
"I looked at her and said this is your fault! You're the one who got me the nicotine addiction in 6th grade. So, of course, Bill has to jump on the 'shit on Richie' train and goes,  
"Are you gonna move to Venice, bleach your hair and change your name to Chad? Or is this like a midlife crisis Juul and you're gonna leave Eddie for a woman named Krystal.' Just by how he said it you could tell it was spelled with a K and a Y. And also yep that’s Willian Denbrough the fucking famous author. Like you guys got to understand I'm the least successful of all my childhood friends. They went on the bigger and better things and I'm still telling I fucked your mom jokes to a group of drunk 20 somethings. The problem is, this thing is so much stronger then a cigarette, you don’t need to worry about a lighter, and it doesn't make me smell like I made out with an ashtray. I know how dumb I look but I don’t really want to go back to old school cigarettes so seriously Juul if you need a celebrity spokesman I'm right here. I will sell out instantly, give me money!'

"Thank you, you’ve been a great audience! I'm gonna go back to my hotel room and fuck my boyfriend's brains out, goodnight!"

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second Richie standup fic so feel free to read the last one if ya want :)  
Thanks b 
> 
> Congrats if you found a spelling or grammar error, you get 5 points!


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